Addiction Firsthand

The following is a firsthand account of addiction and recovery written by a former resident of Women's Recovery at Anna Ogden Hall. Jessaca finished UGM Recovery in 2016. Her husband, Kevin, finished the men's program one year later. Today, they are both working and living as productive members of society. Jessaca wrote this while still in program.

ByJessaca  Schmieder, UGM Women's Recovery alum

Before UGM, I was going nowhere good. I was stuck. I was lonely. I had given up on myself and the world. I didn't see that I had any kind of future and was hoping that the next time I got high it would take my life.

I would sit back and think about how I even got to this point. Where did I go wrong? Who can I blame? But the truth is, I can't blame anyone for leading me to addiction. It was my own choices.

The loss of my daughter, jobs, homes, cars and money, I can say, didn’t help my circumstances.  Everything began to unravel. I think that's why it was so hard to get it together, because I was the reason why I was hurt. I was the reason why I'd lost it all. I was wallowing in self-pity and self-destruction so badly that I didn't want to see a way out.

But there was! My husband said, “You are going to the shelter, I'm going to the Mission and we are DONE with this lifestyle!” I was very hesitant because I did not believe in God, I didn't want to admit my failures and let everyone see my vulnerability. But I did as my husband said and went to the shelter to start my new journey.

Since being in recovery, I have learned so much that sometimes my head spins. I've learned that I am strong, confident, and worthy of something better. That no matter how big the hole is, there is always a way out. I've learned how to care about others and forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. Most importantly, I have learned to love God again. That's where my life really transformed. I was so angry and mad at Him. I hated Him. But as soon as I let that go, I felt love like I never believed could exist. He's wonderful, funny, silly, and supportive of my heart breaks and victories. I love that He's so personal with me. I yell at Him, I swear at Him, I get nagged by Him, and sometimes I think He punches me in the side of the head just to remind me that I'm not the boss! He's my best friend.

Today, I'm about done with the program, have 17 months clean and I am excited for the future. I see my daughter, talk to her on the phone all the time, and my marriage is still amazing. I have built wonderful friendships with healthy women and have a strong woman to look up to.

I have remembered what it's like to have fun again! SOBER!

Learn more about addiction by checking out this video from UGM LIFE Recovery Counselor John Dunne.