Voices of Recovery: Beverly’s Testimony

Beverly Clark is enrolled in LIFE Recovery at the UGM Center for Women and Children. This is her testimony.

“Without a question, I was a loved child. My childhood memories are slim, but I do know I was loved by my mom and dad. However, my father mysteriously disappeared when I was six years old, and I never saw him again.

“A big part of my heart broke that day. My mom was sick with cancer all my life. When I was eight years old, my mother’s cancer took a turn for the worse, and I knew that at some point I was going to lose my mom, just like I had lost my dad. And at a young age, I made a decision that I was not going to let her get emotionally close to me. Someone else I loved was abandoning me. When I was 14 my mom passed away. I went through the rest of my life on a self-destructive mission to abandon before I was the one abandoned.

“I told myself I would be okay, I had to be okay. However, I was not okay!”

“Four years later, at 18, I became a mom. I told myself I would be okay, I had to be okay. However, I was not okay! I was still a child, not knowing how to mourn the loss of my mom, mourning a lost childhood. I did not know my value, my purpose, and who really loved me. Abandonment was the theme of my life. I kept the appearance up—put-together, determined, successful—yet was falling apart slowly inside. At 27 I became a mom for the second time to another beautiful daughter. Still seemingly keeping it together—or at least I appeared to be. My drinking which started out years earlier as normal ‘20-something drinking’ was now a way to calm my aching soul and anxiety. I was hurting and destroying everyone in my path. My husband, my children, my friends and family—all victims of my utter selfishness. But I still somehow felt like I had to be ‘okay.’

“I knew Jesus and played the part of ‘Christian.’ I went to church, did the Bible studies, my girls went to VBS. But yet I was partying and ignoring all my motherly and wifely duties, riddled with shame and guilt.

“After some failed rehab visits, and in an attempt to stay sober, I left a non-supportive marriage. Divorce #3. Shame and guilt are just piling up and I began to medicate more and more with alcohol. Alcohol became my lover, my job, my friend, my source of purpose.

“In time, everyone had had enough; I was committing a slow suicide, and no one wanted to stand by and watch me commit it. Every meaningful relationship I had was failing. I was a shell of a person.

“By the end of 2019, I was increasingly feeling hopeless, lost and no good to anyone. I had a job I loved, and a best fur friend, and I was trying to be okay, yet I was not okay! I ended up in the hospital with excess alcohol in my body. After I was released from the hospital, I went home and planned my attempt to pull myself together. I’d done it a million times, and I could do it again. Yet, I laid in bed for a couple days in a complete void. The most numb and empty I have ever felt.

“I laid in bed for a couple days in a complete void. The most numb and empty I have ever felt.”

“I knew about Union Gospel Mission, but, growing up in Spokane, I knew it as a homeless shelter. I was not homeless, so why would I need the UGM? I had a friend in the Recovery Program at that time, and because of her vulnerability on her social media, I saw what the program was doing for her. Learning that it was a Christ-based program, I knew I needed more than a traditional rehab; I needed to know why I was medicating when I desperately didn’t want to. That night, I kept hearing a small, still voice say, ‘Drop everything and go.’ But go where? Now I know it was the Holy Spirit. 'DROP EVERYTHING AND GO!'

“I called the Center for Women and Children, visited for an orientation, and within two weeks I had my apartment packed up, left my dog behind with a friend, left my job, and I was leaving for the UGM program. The day I walked through the doors, my feet had never felt so heavy. My heart was beating harder than it ever had. I was terrified. It’s a long program.

“My first couple weeks being in program I was so overwhelmed! How was I going to put a year-plus of my life on hold? And just like the still small voice I had heard weeks earlier, telling me to drop everything and go, I heard a voice say, “Just leave it all to me.” Right then and there, I put ALL my trust in the Lord, and I knew that whatever was going to happen with any part of my life was going to happen because HE wanted it to. I cannot even express the relief I felt—and the relief I feel today—because I have put all my trust in the Lord. I left it all at the Cross! I have healed the little abandoned girl inside, I have mourned a mom and dad lost, I am forgiving myself and dumping all my shame and guilt. I know now that I have never been fatherless; my Father is Jesus. I know that Jesus was right beside me through all my struggles, bad decisions, and reckless behavior, but now He is not just reaching for my hand, He is holding it. I am letting him.

“I know now that I have never been fatherless; my Father is Jesus.”

Today I am learning that it is okay to not be okay. And the only one who can make it okay, is Jesus! Hand in hand with Jesus, I truly will be okay. Thank you, Jesus and UGM, for helping me see my value, release my shame and guilt, and know that I am a beautiful daughter of the King!"

Enjoy more stories of changed lives in our free e-book, Change is Possible.