"You healed what was broken in me."

An open letter to my first grandchild: Desiree Cathleen Maciel

By Ryan Brown

Today you turn 12.

You are amazing! So kind, smart, pretty and talented. Every time I'm around you I feel like I'm talking with a very deep soul. Full of hope, full of promise. I am so very, very proud of you. I know you have a lot of fun stories to tell and maybe even some sad ones. But on your 12th birthday, I want to share with you some things maybe you don't know, and how you have been such an important person for a very long time.

12 is an amazing age. You understand so much about the world, but yet you are not controlled by it. You are becoming smarter every day, and yet life is still so much fun. School is fun, friends are fun, and once in a while, even the changes that are going on inside of you are fun.

I turned 12 the summer of 1977. I saw the very first Star Wars movie when it first came out. I was amazed. I was amazed at everything! I loved Steve Martin and used to go around school imitating his every move. Most people thought I was funny...and a little weird. I was having the best AND most awkward time of my life. My first (real) girlfriend. My first (real) kiss. Wow, was that a cool year.

After that summer of turning 12, however, everything changed for me. I know your mom probably shared all the really hard things that have happened in my life. Well, they all started shortly after I turned 12. So many things changed. I felt like I didn't belong, so I did bad things to fit in. I felt like I wasn't good at things, so I started getting good at bad things. It was such a weird time. And as you probably know, everything got really bad from there.

I had a kid when I was 17, another when I was 20 (your mom), and another when I was 22. By that time, all the stuff that started when I was 12 just got worse and worse and worse. So by 22, I had 3 kids and no understanding of how to be a dad, or a husband, or even a good person. I was lost and very broken.

I know that you know the story of me being homeless, and a drug addict. I know that you know the story of me getting better, getting healed, and my whole life changing. I know you that know the story of me finding a wife, becoming a pastor, having great things happen and having a great relationship with all my kids. But Desiree, I'm not sure you know all of the story.

You see even though I wasn't a drug addict anymore and was a ‘dad’ to your Uncle Dustin, your mom, Nikki, and your Uncle Devin, I never thought I was a good dad. I was too angry at times, too controlling at times and too selfish most times. I just didn't know how to be a dad. Honestly, I never was around any of my kids when they were real young, so I just didn't know.

But something changed about 11 years ago.

Your mom, who was just 18 at the time, gave me a call. You were one year old and she had broke up with your dad. She asked me “Daddy, can you come come get us”? Here was my 18-year-old daughter asking me to bring her and her one-year-old little girl, to come live with us. I didn't give it a second thought. Right away, I started driving to California. I picked up your mom, you, and everything you owned. I remember us getting stuck in a snow storm driving back and watching you see snow for the very first time.

We got to Oregon, moved you two in, and something very important began to happen. The first thing I noticed was that you looked SO much like your mom when she was a baby. Then I noticed that I was having so much fun with you! Teaching you to make faces, say funny things, taking you everywhere, dressing up like Santa for you and just laughing and laughing and laughing.

And then, at some point, Desiree, even though I was your grandpa, I finally felt like I could be a good dad. Something very important changed in me in the one short year that you lived in my home. I know you probably don’t remember, but I will never ever forget.

Since that time, I still wasn't the best dad. I still made mistakes, and I probably always will. But you started something in me. You, as a one-year-old baby, healed something broken in me.

And now, so many years later, looking at my life with 3 amazing kids and 8 grandkids of all ages, shapes, colors and sizes, all I can say is that my most favorite thing to be is a dad and a grandpa.

So on your 12th birthday, my dear, sweet Desiree, I say thank you. Thanks for changing me, Thanks for being you. I am so glad that I'm a dad, and that I’m your grandpa...and I’m so glad that you are 12.

See ya soon,

Grandpa

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